What makes a good mother?
What is a good mother to you? If you’re drawing a blank, think about all of the things that you have seen on Instagram, on TV shows and movies in your life that depict a good mother. Think about the qualities that that mother has, or those mothers have. Write those down, seriously, everything that you feel makes up a good mother.
Does she stay at home?
Does she go to work?
Does she home school?
Does she cook all of her meals from scratch?
Does she make her own baby food?
Are all of her kids' toys wooden?
Does she have her child in a music class five times a week?
What are those things that you feel make a good mother? Once you've written these things down, take a look at your list. Do you know any mothers that encompass every single thing on that list? I bet that you don't even encompass everything on that list.
Here’s the thing: society has made a good mother out to be somebody impossible to be, and so as a result we all feel like we're failing all of the time because we don't match up to what we feel is a good mother. If you were to compare your list to someone else's, a friend's maybe, they would probably have different things on their list that they feel make a good mother, and they probably don't know anyone who encompasses all the things on their list or your list. Throw out this list. Think about, for you, what do you value as a good mother? What do you have the capacity for?
For instance, maybe you don't have time to hand puree all of your baby's meals from scratch. Maybe you're really into baby-led weaning. Maybe baby-led weaning scares you. Maybe elimination communication is a complete mystery to you. Maybe you don't even know what elimination communication is. Maybe you never learned baby sign language, or your baby sign language is limited to things like please, thank you, mama, and dada.
Make a new list. What do you value?
Once you’re done, take a look at your list. Then, put it some place where you’ll see every day, to remind you of what makes a good mother to you. And remember: some of the things on your list may change in the future, and it's okay if they do. For example, maybe you really wanted to do baby-led weaning, but then it's just too hard. Life happens; it's okay if that changes. What's important is that your list is specific to you, because your friend or that mom on Instagram, or even your own mother, is not going to create the same list. The next time that you see another mom doing something that you feel you should do but you don't value, instead of spiraling into that familiar guilt, take a look at your list of your own mothering values. If you're measuring up to your list, you are a good mother.
