Debunking “Happy mom, happy baby”
Have you heard the phrase "happy mom, happy baby"? Or has someone ever told you to relax, you're causing the baby to fuss?
There is some truth to this statement. Infants coregulate through an oxytocin bond with their caregivers, which requires the caregiver to be regulated. A dysregulated caregiver cannot coregulate a dysregulated infant. However, "happy mom, happy baby" does not account for the very real lack of support most caregivers experience today after the birth of a baby. We know that a lack of support can promote the development of postpartum mood disorders. You may have found yourself experiencing some postpartum anxiety ( "Is the baby still breathing?") or postpartum rage ( "I hate my partner!") and it's likely due to a lack of support.
You're doing a job that was meant for a village by yourself.
So what's a dysregulated mama to do?
Start with what you can control. No, you can't be perfect, but your baby doesn't need perfect, your baby needs you.
Breathing exercises are a great, 30-second way of calming yourself, and there are so many! Whether it's box breathing, a physiologic sigh, or just counting your breaths to 10, pick your favorite and start there. If the first one doesn't work, try another one.
Change your scenery. Take yourself and the baby outside. Bring the stroller or a baby carrier and take a walk. Just being outside can be regulating, and the movement and fresh air might help baby sleep, giving you a break. Plus, it's a great way to meet your neighbors and start building your village.
If all else fails, put the baby down somewhere safe and walk away for a few moments. This is okay to do, and you won't cause your baby unnecessary trauma. Be sure to hold and kiss your baby when you return, and offer a nursing session if you are body feeding. More than anything, infants need a regulated caregiver to nurture them in times of stress, and by taking the time to regulate yourself first, you will help your baby more.
Quick note: if dysregulation is a daily reality for you, that's worth more than a breathing exercise. Reach out to a mental health professional. You deserve real support.
And building your village isn’t just good for your mental health, it’s the foundation of real postpartum support.
So the next time someone tells you "happy mom, happy baby," hand them a dustpan and dishcloth and tell them where you need help. A supported mom is a regulated mom!
